aura-chic's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- gawd, i'm such a bitch Oh, god... well i got that apology i needed.. and i feel like total shit. i knew that something had to be wrong to get that kind of a reaction from him just for askin him what was up. he's usually so laid back despite the fact that he works 20 out of 24 hours a day. i am mold... i am mildew on top of mold...ick ick ick... i mean i can't tell the damn world what's going on until we are absolutely sure, but oh wow this is a BIG deal. and i now fully understand what kind of shit he's going through, mentally and emotionally.. ugh...now i so have to do something to make up for how rude i was to him after our little episode.. i'm usually the perceptive, caring one with my friends, but i guess i got to play the role of cold hearted bitch this time. well maybe not, i mean i didn't know at the time...but now i do, and me being upset now seems so petty and heartless... but i think i have made it up to him. i still feel like i could do more. but we talked and it was good to hear some laughter from him. i'm glad i could do that much. it's nice to hear someone go from down and confused to hysterical laughter, even if it was at the expense of my still current job (for reasons unbeknownst to me, he finds that line of work, for me, hilarious) but though i can't tell everyone what the news is i can sure say it shocked tha hell outta me. more than shocked, i had to sit down for about 30 minutes..thank god the chair was close by when he told me, or i woulda been on the damn floor. but it's only further proof to me of what an awesome guy he is. i hope his vacation gets here soon because after all this and the fact that his job has been beatin the shit outta him lately... but enough about HIM in MY diary...LOL let's see, nothing much as far as i'm concerned...though i did get over my temporary lack of dressing ability.. i'm now wearing one of my little "hippie" shirts..you know the really old ones that are like made of gauze or some shit... i love this shirt..though if i wear it out in public the previously mentioned guy gets incredibly mad cuz you can see my bra or lack there of if i decide i wanna be "free" for the day. it's sad when my "not really boyfriend" gets jealous because other men like to gawk at my breasts, because they ARE nice. i don't mind people lookin.. hell take a picture it lasts longer, and they're just breasts...now if he wants to commit to me and my breasts he can feel free to claim ownership of them, until then...they're all mine, and i'll share em with whoever i want... hahaha.. but i'm still gonna be way too nice to him for a while to make up for my bein a bitch...ah dammit, i'm talkin bout him again...aaaarrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhh ..... well anyway. oooooooooo, i gotta tell y'all this.... my ex...the weird one that likes to wrassle nekkid with his friends, managed to find my email address...sneaky bastard, and he wrote me saying how he missed me and shit.. and he wants to see me again. he "just wants to talk to me" yeah right, he wants to drive me right into my damn grave stressin me out and shit. he almost caused me a nervous breakdown. so i responded with a maybe i will see you sometime. but i also mentioned that I had contacted him sometime late last summer to have lunch with me and to make peace with each other. mainly because i felt it was important after spending 4 and 1/2 years with someone, not to let it end badly as it did. he yelled insults at me, i responded in kind yada yada yada... but after a few months had passed and i had long since moved on, i felt it necessary to make peace, and he wouldn't let me. he kept blowing me off.... that is until he saw me with the cop(previously mentioned guy), and he was with his current girlfriend...ick boy is she ugly..but as soon as he saw me with the cop he was then trying to get back in touch with me.... like it was ok for him to be dating someone, but as soon as i found someone else, he had to have me back... which i spent about 20 minutes one night tryin to get off the phone with him as he was begging me to give him another chance..all the while the cop is listening on the speaker phone tryin not to bust out laffin... so me and the cop just resumed what he interupted, and he finally got the picture.. and hung up... and anyway i reminded him of this and told him that i suppose i could meet up with him, but he had to understand there was no way we were ever going to work things out again... i can't live my life in misery with him just because he can't be alone, i just can't do that to myself. if i commit to anyone it has to be something more than he can provide. but i just can't let things end the way they did... i mean i don't want to run into this guy 20 years from now and have nothing but dislike and bad memories stuck in my head... you know? i wanna be able to smile and remember it all...not just the bad, but the good too... believe it or not, we did have a good time for at least the first 3 years. so maybe i should listen to what he has to say.... maybe i will.... i guess that is a sign that i have grown up a little... i don't want to hold grudges. well i do have grudges that i will harbor for the rest of my life... but they go out to two men that absolutely deserve anything i send their way...my father(affectionately called "the sperm donor") and my step father ("the asshole") but they are a whole other entry... on a funnier note, if y'all read my sister's guest book entries you'll have seen that we had WW3 up in this livingroom the other night... it involved me and our NEW vcr/dvd player...it tried to abscond with 3 tapes, it broke 2 of em... dammit... so there i was wrasslin tha bastard... evertime i inched the tape partway out, it yanked the damn thing right back in... i was incredibly pissed. so i unhooked it played soccer with it fer a minute...ok not really, i just put the damn thing back in it's box with all it's little parts, and we took it back to the store and got another one. this one seems to be a bit better....sooooo that little war was won... we lost a little in the squirmish, but i think i won.... and you can't tell me any different... you know i think i'm gonna hafta start dressin like i'm in some acid or shroom induced state more often... that entry was trippin me out... haha... ok... sorry if this was a little depressin...maybe i can tell y'all what's goin on in a few days... there's some things that have to be done before we know exactly what is gonna happen.. so i will try to tell y'all... but he's pretty private guy... like you gotta get a damn fbi file just figure out his middle name and shit... oh wait...i don't even know it... hmmm, must work on that...that just doesn't even seem right...he tells me what he did today, and he won't even tell me his middle name...what is that shit...must be somethin embarrassin.... i know the initial.... well hell i called him by his last name for the first 7 months i knew him(keep in mind,i met him almost 4yrs ago)... i still do it fer fun now, just to irritate him... otherwise i just call him piggy... that's how he's programmed into my cell phone...hahaha.. when i see that pop up when he calls me, i answer the phone with "i smell bacon" I'm SO WRONG... but it's fun...ok imma go now.... damn another hellafied long entry..... toodles!!!!!:) 4:37 p.m. - 2003-01-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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