aura-chic's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A long hello. I'm back. Sort of. I still won't be accepting notes. Because of the childish bastards that seem to think it's ok to leave notes and not leave a way for me to tell them to fuck off. ANYWHO... I have made some changes in my life. I stay pretty fuckin busy lately. No Idle time here. No time to fiddle fuck around on the internet. No bullshit.. One of the areas of my life I made a change in was my "man" or so you could call him. He was more than that. I work a lot. I've made some friends in this area. And for the most part I feel pretty damn good. There are some more things that I want to work on in my life. I don't feel up to diving into all that this morning though. I'm in a fantastic mood. And typing out all the things I want to change will only make me feel bitter about it and my ulcer will act up. (I've been under so much stress with home and work lately that I have developed ulcers and for the last few days I couldn't keep anything in my stomach.. even water, needless to say I'm REALLY dehydrated.) I have made a very good friend at work. My crew leader to be exact. She's in her 30's, and she's a tell-it-like-it-is-kinda-crazy-bitch. And I love that. I spent part of Christmas night with her, her husband, child, and another co-worker. I think that was the best time I've had in a long time. She hooked me up with someone at work, and it didn't go so great.. he's incredibly attractive, incredibly dumb, and an emotional train wreck. But he had made himself sound like such a good catch, and blah blah.. and always wants to sit and chat on the phone at work.. well like I said it didn't go so great.. and it's everything she can do not to cuss him out every night now.. it's so funny watching her restrain herself.. because she's "not supposed to know what happened between us" haha like he actually thinks I wouldn't tell her. There is someone else though. We've been harmlessly flirting since I started working there in July of last year. He works in maintenance.. He's been separated from his wife for a while now. For the first two months of our flirting, I had no idea he was married, he didn't wear a ring (makes sense,works on machinery all night duh)So I finally asked him. He told me the truth. And I promptly "pumped my brakes" as S.(my crewleader)would say. I remained friendly but that was it. I have been reluctant to get involved.. though it's a bit late now.. I waited until this week though, things have been getting a bit more serious than I meant to. Though I know he's separated, somehow it still seems wrong. I have made that mistake once before, though it was nothing more than talking, I knew it was wrong, and this is my admission of guilt here. As long ago as this was I still feel remorse over it. And I knew what I was doing was wrong. There is no excuse. NONE. I just don't want to repeat that mistake again. I don't want to push this man in any direction. Whether to be with me or work things out with his wife. I have been available to him, on a daily basis. Yet I still keep a bit of a distance between us. Mostly to be sure of what he wants to do. I do not want to be the reason they can't work it out. It's been 4 months since he moved out. According to him, they hadn't slept in the same part of the house for 3 months prior to him leaving. I like him. A lot. I'm just not sure what I'm going to do.. my mind is screaming wait til it's final. But the rest of me is saying he's the ONE. But hell.. my heart/mind/body has lied to me before. Still I think I'm going to go with my Brain this time.... I'll continue being friendly and hanging out when we get a chance.. but nothing more... I will say this about him.. he's a brave soul.. I work in an office with 4 other women... most men (that I know) feel intimidated by that setting.. seeing as all us girls sit pretty much in a little grouping at our computers, there's no where to have a private conversation. Well he walked in there all by himself and right up to me (I sit right in the middle of the other girls) and he started talking to me, and making plans to meet me after work. My crew leader looked at me when he left and said and WHO is "chunky"? I was kind of mad about that. Yes he is a bit on the chubby side, not obese, he's actually quite solid. She made fun of me for a while.. and I let her.. I don't have to justify who I find attractive or not attractive. But she and I were in the Hallway one night and he came up the stairs, and without interrupting our conversation he took my arm and kissed me on the cheek. Then went into the breakroom and waited til she and I were finished with our smoke/bitch session about work. That apparently impressed her. She had a big smile on her face and said if you like it I love it girl.. so that was her Approval of him. Well all guilt and uncertainty aside, I'm very happy. And that's a good thing. 11:07 a.m. - 2004-01-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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