aura-chic's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have lost my mind.. if you see it please let me know.. i need it back UGH.. i'm having some sort of bitch melt down.. i have found i have emotions.. wtf??? well for someone other than close family... it's killing me... i can't believe this..this just does NOT happen to me.. well not for a long time it hasn't.. fuck fuck fuck.. how?? how could this happen??? damn what ever it was that came along and melted the ice in my heart.. damn it all to hell.. now my face is freaking out my skin is screaming, wait that could be from frying in the tanning bed.. but i doubt it.. seeing as it's not burnt... but still i hate this.. all i can do is bang my head repeatedly against the wall.. why did i have to take that stupid trip.. why do i have to see the good in this person.. which leads me to another question.. why does he see the good in me? i've done such a good job of hiding it... not to mention the fact that this will never be.. ever. i guess you could just sum it up to say that we have both been burned too many times to do it again. i'm sure you all know what i mean.. or maybe i just sound like a raving lunatic.. i feel like one. it's like my brain is screaming at the rest of me.. oh you stupid bitch look what you've gone and done, I TOLD YOU! and.. oh fuck there goes "our song" see i told you i'm a raving fuckin lunatic.. must turn off radio, and make sure he has no way to contact me... see it never fails.. anytime i hear this song i either see him or hear from him.. and i can't deal right now.. i need to think... distance, distance is good.. i've been driving myself crazy all day.. well at least the part of it that i was awake for.. i sedated myself so i would sleep and not think about it.. did it work? no.. all i did was dream about it.. FUCK.. ok.. i'm calm.. am i the only one that this happens to??? someone please just put me in one of those funny lookin jackets and throw me in the padded room.. please??? because i have obviously lost it.. ok.. i do have to tell y'all this.. i walked into the room and the first thing i see on the dresser is, a pair of handcuffs and a bottle of baby oil.. i just looked at him and said, i don't even want to know you man whore... LOL of course he denies any wrong doing.. afterwards of course i believed him.. no one can get that worked up unless it's been awhile if you know what i mean.. he swears that it has been a while for him... i don't believe that load of horseshit.. i may be in lust or something.. it can't be love... but it doesn't mean that i'm stupid. i mean really.. ok.. i have to find something to do to redeem some sanity.. maybe this is just an episode.. maybe it will all go away in the morning.. ~begs for that to be true~ ~slams head into wall~ oh yeah.. i guess y'all have figured from me sayin i sedated myself that i broke my little spell of sobriety.. hey it was only one pill.. yeah yeah i know.. they all say that. i guess i will make myself a drink and wash some dishes.. that should keep me occupied.. unless something happens.... ~sighs loudly~ 11:50 p.m. - 2003-03-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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