aura-chic's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- and now for something completely different..... so, i'm sitting at the computer thinking about my past experiences eating cap'n crunch w/ crunch berries, and i wonder exactly what happened to my life. yeah crunch berries can do that to you. i just can't stop thinking about why i ended up here. and no i'm not talking about the town i live in, i mean the state of my life. I barely have money, i wonder if i will ever go back to college, or will i be doomed to spend the rest of my life waiting tables? will i ever get over my fear of commitment? i mean i know exactly what happened as to why i dropped out of high school.. i was at one point a very good student, i made a's and was in the top ten percent in a class of 400 students. i loved school, and was always involved in something. and no i wasn't a dork, i was actually pretty popular. but i hated most of the "popular" people. they irked me because i knew the only reason they wanted to be around me was to get in with my crowd.. at the time it was seen as ultra cool to be a part of the "freak" crowd.. you know typical pierced, chain wearing, green hair type thing. and at the time my family life wasn't exactly great. so i used every excuse i could to stay away from home. my step father was an asshole who made my life miserable and he couldn't hold down a job to save his life. and one of his favorite past times was going through all of my things and basically destroying my room.. do you know how violating it feels to know someone has been going through your things? things that he had no part in purchasing, or whatever.. my mom supported us.. well anyway things went from bad to worse in my sophomore year in highschool, and i moved out. that's when i moved to raleigh. my aunt took me in, and i had a very stable home there, but i missed my mom to the point of having a nervous breakdown. and i just couldn't keep my grades up, and come the middle of my junior year i gave up. i had serious problems.. where i once loved to be in a crowd, i couldn't stand to be in a room with more than myself in it, and then i couldn't even stand that. so i quit school and worked full time. went thru therapy got all better, and blah blah. finished high school, and then kept working and started college. i met my ex when i was 12.. long before all this..and he lived in raleigh, so when i moved there we promptly started dating, and he helped me thru my worst time. for that, i will love him forever. and we roughed thru some pretty hard times, and managed to be happy together in spite of our problems. but i think the biggest problem we had was the fact that we were so young when we started dating not to mention that we both have problems with manic depression, and we didn't let our relationship change with us as we got older. i regret that. but there is nothing i can do to change that. and no, there is no way that i want him back. it's just that i wish we had done something different.. maybe that would have stopped the horrendous way that the relationship ended. but whatever. back to the school thing.. i had to quit school after a few semesters, because i couldn't afford to go because i got hurt at work and had no money, and had to return to my job full time, as in like 80 hours a week to catch up on bills, back to the job the doctor told me to quit that is. and i still couldn't make it. and now i wonder if i will ever go back and if i do, what do i want to do? do i want to go back into psychology and massage therapy.. (yeah i know weird combination, i couldn't make up my mind) or do i wanna go to nursing school? i'm opting for the latter. which would make everything else i've done a waste. but still. i think i would be good at it.. and there is an extreme shortage of nurses. man this is a really depressing entry. damn crunch berries.. well maybe it had something to do with the half hour conversation i had with my ex's mom today. I had to check in on her. I felt bad that i haven't talked to her since i moved. i used to have lunch with her at least twice a week.. even after me and her son split up. we'd go to lunch and go shopping together, she is into crafts and antiques and stuff, and i love antiques.. so i was good company for her. she still thinks of me as her daughter in law.. and i hope that she always will. i worry about her, mainly because i know she won't be around long, she has diabetes and a heart problem, not to mention the fact that her mind is starting to go a little.. i really hope that my ex realizes that, and is trying to be better to her.. he was so hateful to her when we were dating. and i'd get pissy with him for it.. i think that's why she loves me so much.. i was the hated girlfriend for a while until we were eating lunch at his house one sunday, and ryan (the ex) was talking to her, and all of a sudden started yelling at her for something, and i told him to shut the hell up and pay her more respect than that, cuz no matter how old you are she is still yer mom, she brought you into this world and she can take you out of it.. and this was still when they didn't like me too much (i was a slut, or so everyone thought) and she looked at me and said.. thank you elizabeth.. and we've been friends ever since. but anyway she is fine, his dad is fine, and his brother is graduating from state in may (finally, only took 6 years) see his brother is handicapped.. he had hydrocephelous as a baby (water on the brain) and he is blind, he has a shunt in his head. and ryan is a junior at state this year, engineering. i think all that has something to do with why i'm in a down mood. i think i just miss them. next time i go to raleigh i'll take her out to lunch or something. well now that i have bored and depressed the shit outta y'all, i'll go and take my bowl of crunch berries back to the kitchen, and scold them for reminding me of all this... 8:05 p.m. - 2003-02-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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